Having It All

After 58 years, what I want still confuses me. Connected to my heart’s desire as a young one, what happened to separate me from knowing definitively, what I desire? Unfortunately, I am not alone.

Sexism and internalized women’s oppression taught us many lessons and continue to take their toll. As women and girls, we learned and internalized our primary role as caregivers. We became good at discerning other’s wants and needs, usually before they were able to articulate them. Overtime people’s wants began overshadowing our own, becoming burdensome obligations. We learned to respond out of compulsion rather than choice. Sometimes we grew resentful as we lost touch with our own wants, which seemed less important and of little worth. Our hopes of a ‘no limits’ life for ourselves and our world become smaller as we grew more accustomed to settling for so much less.

This is not our fault and we do not deserve blame. Madison Avenue has hijacked our wants, ‘stepford wifed’ our dreams and ‘consumerized’ our liberation movements. Years ago, I read a survey conducted by a popular women’s magazine. Asked if they could have anything they wanted, what would it be, over 80% of the women responded that they wanted to lose 20 pounds or more. With our dreams minimized, we have become frantic consumers, preoccupied with our looks, our clean homes, that next promotion or mall sale, etc., leaving us feeling bad and hoping that something outside of ourselves could make us feel whole again.

Folks in my life might argue that I put out what I want all the time: No more violence against women and children, a clean house, a world without oppression, a loving family, laughter, enough money to pay my bills, good friends, a new pair of J. Renee shoes, to name a few.

Along the way of fulfilling other people’s needs, I’ve met my own and learned to make good choices. I also never gave up on my wants, both big and small and held onto a big life while choosing to support others having big lives as well.

Now that’s an app worth purchasing.

Language and the Changing Demographics

Recently I read about the changing demographic population which has expanded from the coasts to the heartland of the U.S. Four states and about 200 counties are ‘majority-minority’ and more than one-third of the people in the United States are ‘non-white.’ While people of color are the majority of the world’s population, census projections show that by 2050, we will be the majority in the U.S. as well.

I’ve been teaching about these trends for over 20 years and it’s refreshing to see that the data confirms those early projections and the look of the cities where I’ve lived.

What I find interesting is that our language has not caught up with our changing reality. Even though language is fluid and ever-changing, the coded language that describes this new reality is not free from bias or agenda.

How does a majority continue to be relegated minority status? I remember when women were referred to as the 51% minority. A friend shared a story about a student of hers who mentioned that he was the only ‘majority in a room full of minorities’ in describing an experience he had. These and other examples point to a level of denial, a holding on to the power and privilege of the past and/or a refusal to accept an inevitable future.

While language often lacks precision it can approximate the truth. I am not non-white, non-male or a minority. I am a woman of African-heritage, born in the U.S. who has fought to language my experience and have my voice. That voice rings true even when the words fail to do the same.

Perhaps, there’s an app for that!